I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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