So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
