he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
