mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
