u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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