You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
