He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
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