I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
