just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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