I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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