I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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