Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
