dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
