It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
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i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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