We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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