i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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