yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
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