The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
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He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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