the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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