all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
