I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
