Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
