spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
