I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
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so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
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I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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