I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
