you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
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