i just wanna soil my oats bro
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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