It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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