dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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