So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
