she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
