I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
