Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
We just shotgunned beers for America
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
