I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
