remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
