his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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