She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
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I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
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She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
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