Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
