i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
