I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
