I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
