i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Randomize
