somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
