maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
