Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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