Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
