I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Panties = found
Randomize
