So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
