this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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