My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
