I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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