The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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