OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She bit a glass in half.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
