guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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