My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
